I am a Cat-astrophe

I like cats. O.K. that might be obvious to you since my profile picture is an American Shorthair silver tabby. But I really do like cats.



You might say, "Porphyry, you're just being lazy. Why not write about a more controversial subject, like lollipops, summertime, or attractive girls?" But, believe or not, some people actually don't appreciate our feline friends. Take my mother-in-law for instance. She can't stand my little buddy. She's not allergic to cats, nor was she gored by an Angora when she was a child. She's just a miserable cat-hater.



I realize there are dog people and cat people. But one would think each type of person would have a certain understanding, or at least detente, with a creature of the opposite species. For example, while I don't really get along with most dogs, I'm not afraid to pet a poodle, and I can see why many dogs' owners like them so much. So, in an effort to promote these great creatures, the following is my top-nine list - in no particular order - of reasons why I like cats (more than dogs or other pets).

1. They're soft. Yes, some dogs have soft coats, but I have met few dogs that are as clean and soft to pet as a regular house cat. Usually a dog's fur is frankly greasy and matted. But a cat feels like a cozy blanket, or your grandmother's coat.

2. They're clean. Cats not only constantly lick themselves to clean off random dust and grime from their fur, but more importantly, they regularly use a litter box to expel and hide their waste. I can remember my kitten, at four weeks of age, never had a problem going to the bathroom in a litter box, which is more than I can say for most humans that age. And, of course, unlike other animals, they have the requisite decorum to hide their crap in a box, as opposed to leaving it in plain view of the neighbors.

3. They're largely self-sufficient. Even though one must feed an indoor cat, one can often leave them for a long weekend with a big bowl of food and water without any worries. Cats don't need to be walked, or coddled. While they like to play, they are just as content to take a nap.

4. They're generally quiet. Yes, I know sometimes they make horrific noises when they're angry, or get into a fight with another feline, but all in all, a loud cat is much more terminable than a barking dog.

5. They hunt things without slobbering all over the house. Of course, dogs hunt just as well - in some cases better - than cats. But I would rather have my faithful cat hunt spiders, ants, rolly-pollies, and mice inside my house than a golden retriever, because the latter seems to slobber dog spit all over everything. [CAVEAT - my cat does tend to puke hairballs a lot, which is, admittedly, equally as gross].

6. They're big enough to play with, but not so large that children and dainty adults need to fear them. I've heard tell of many a dog that grew to 100 pounds and above by age 2, causing quite a bit of consternation to its owners, especially if the owners had small children. Cats, on the other hand, generally don't get much larger than 30 pounds, and that's if you have a fat cat of the larger breeds.

7. Their small stature can fool your enemies. Our cat is not de-clawed, and even if he was, his jaws would still be a formidable weapon on their own. While a burglar or other jackass in one's home could quickly size up the danger of a guard dog, a cat can stealthily, silently creep from behind him (sure there are female burglars, but it's generally a him) climb up his back and claw his eyes out before he even knew what hit him. In short, cats are the ninjas of the animal kingdom.

8. Their purring is relaxing. Really dog lovers, tell me when the last time you enjoyed having your dog sitting on your lap and panting for hours?

9. They have an innate ability to know when you need them. Often, when my wife or I have been in a sour mood, our cat will jump up on the couch or bed and nuzzle next to us, seemingly knowing that we'd like his company. That's what I call loyalty and friendship.